Each week I dig around in the bottom of the barrel of China’s weirdest shopping site, dragging to the surface a funky electric vehicle to laugh either with and/or at. They’re usually fairly underpowered things, coasting by on their good looks and charm. But this week we’ve got the opposite: a vehicle so ugly that not even its mother could love it, but that can haul so much that it doesn’t even care.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is your big boy. And it’s perfect for this week’s Awesomely Weird Alibaba Electric Vehicle of the Week.

When I was kid I wanted to have a tug boat. I thought it was so cool that a little boat could pull those massive ships around.

But then I grew up and realized that a tugboat probably wasn’t the most practical daily life vehicle.

Fortunately though I’ve found the land equivalent that solves the practicality problem: An airport electric tractor.

This baby has the horses to pull just about anything to anywhere. It can haul your overweight bags, it can move and airplane, and it could probably relocate a terminal if necessary.

I know you think your big truck is impressive. Oh, it can tow a trailer? That’s cute. My electric tractor can haul the factory where your trailer was made.

Any truck on the market today is a child’s toy compared to this thing. The F-150 Lightning? Take your 7,000 pounds of towing capacity and go home. The Rivian R1T? Your 11,000 pound towing capacity is adorable. Step back, boys and girls, while I demonstrate my rice-fed 60,000 pounds of stump-pulling raw towing capacity.

That’s right. This thing could help Lincoln stand up at his DC memorial. It could straighten out the Leaning Tower of Pisa. It could pull a tooth out of Chuck Norris. Maybe. If you caught him by surprise.

This 9,200 pound beast weighs as much as a HUMMER EV supertruck yet can tow 9x as much.

Hell, you could link six of those massive HUMMER EVs nose to toes like the world’s most manhood-compensated train and you could still tow that rolling provocation with this little airport tug.

How do they do it? I have no idea. It runs on an 80V system, though I’ve got a leaf blower that also runs on 80V. Either those Chinese engineers are up to something, or I’ve been seriously babying that blower.

The cool thing about owning one of these electric tractors is that you could use it get out of so many sticky situations.

The next time you’re in a jam, just think about whether 60,000 pounds of towing capacity could solve the problem.

Double-parked by some butt-hat that’s “just running in for a couple minutes”? Not anymore, you aren’t!

Neighborhood kids threw toilet paper in your trees again but it’s too high to get out? Bam! No more tree!

The best parking locations at Home Depot have those annoying concrete bollards keeping you out? What bollards?!

There’s nothing this electric tractor can’t do. Pick one of these puppies up and you’ll be looking for uses left and right. Just wait until your wife hands you another pickle jar to open. It’s going to be epic.

The only problem is that this electric tractor is also epically expensive.

At a cool $53,000, I don’t know how I’m going to justify bringing one of these electric tractors into my life.

Eh, I’ll just tell my publisher we could use one around the Electrek office. Or in case we ever need to move the office.