“Speak softly and carry a big stick” may have been Teddy R’s shtick, but how about, “Drive quietly and carry a main cannon”? With today’s big trucks and SUVs turning into an arms race of their own, that’s how I plan to commute now that I’ve found that you can buy your own electric army tank on Alibaba.

This week’s entry in our Awesomely Weird Alibaba Electric Vehicle of the Week series is a first for us in nearly two years – an electric land vehicle that doesn’t have wheels. Tank steer, here I come!

I don’t know about you, but I’m absolutely ready to trade tires for tank treads; it just seems like it’d be a lot more practical.

I hate having to deal with concerns like carrying an air pressure gauge to check my tires, or wondering if I’ll be able to maintain traction while climbing up and over the car that double parked me.

With my own electric army tank, I can have ultimate all-terrain freedom without sacrificing my commitment to environmentally responsible driving!

As a vet myself, there’s something nostalgic about hopping in an olive drab doomsday machine and leaving the roads behind.

And while I’d love to drive this adorable little electric army tank down to my local coffee shop, the top speed of 4 km/h (2.5 mph) might make that a bit unpractical. Perhaps sticking to the fields is the better part of valor here.

Surprisingly, the slower-than-walking top speed doesn’t mean a super-weak motor. There’s a 1,000W powerhouse hidden in there somewhere, which means that this little tank is likely quite torquey, even if it won’t win any races against the local park walking club.

I’m not saying this is the best battle tank out there, but based on the rate that Russian tanks are losing their hats these days, it’s probably not the worst, either.

The battery isn’t exactly large, coming in at just 12V and 20Ah for a measly 240 Wh of capacity. I’ve seen budget electric bikes with twice that much battery, but I think I can sacrifice a few shells in the ammunition hold to stuff in some more batteries.

That main cannon looks suspiciously like a piece of 3″ PVC with a coupler on the end, so I’m not sure I’ll be taking out many bogies anyway.

And a convertible top is a bold design for a tank, sacrificing armored plating for breathability and easy egress. It’s sexy, though I don’t know how effective it would be in action.

But I’m a lover, not a fighter, and so the most “action” this electric army tank would likely see may involve a 2.5 mph charge with my “pew pew” mouth noises coming out of the cockpit.

Alright folks, I’m going to level with you. I’m pretty sure this is a children’s toy.

But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still look like a hell of a lot of fun! And for a mere $2,100, you could be the most dominating grown-up kid on the block.

Imagine getting a dozen of these things together and inviting all your friends out for the best 40th birthday party ever!

That cannon is just asking to be filled with the guts of a cheap paintball gun. Oh man, I’m worried I might have a new project on my hands!

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